I woke up this morning after a stressful dream. Jaw clinched and sinuses stuffy, I came to consciousness aware that I’d been screaming at Pixiema & Pixiesis, “I’m allowed to get upset, just like everybody else.” We rushed around inside a swanky restaurant, crafting a celebration dinner with the catering crew. Awarded a writing fellowship (yippee!), I’d forgotten all the details, the guests were due to arrive and my cell phone was out of juice. I hate it when that happens.
And then I was awake. BlackBerry at my side, I looked to see what I might have missed overnight and to get my early a.m. inspirations, courtesy of DailyOm and Tut.com. Here’s what my horoscope had to say:
Pisces: Inviting Intimacy
You may feel cautious and guarded today as you interact with others. An intense need to connect more meaningfully with either your loved ones or acquaintances could cause you to question how others will react to your overtures of love and friendship. You may feel insecure or afraid your sentiments will be rejected. This could cause you to be somewhat guarded as you interact with others. If what you truly desire is greater intimacy when connecting with others, however, you should allow others to see your vulnerable side. Allow yourself to let people see you as you really are. You may want to bare your soul a little bit throughout today until you feel comfortable enough to show yourself fully. Your confidence will grow, and your relationships will deepen.
Expressing vulnerability is one of the few ways we can break down the barriers that divide us from others so we can attain true intimacy. When you are willing to show others who you are, you demonstrate that you trust and honor your companions enough to be authentic with them. They, in turn, will see your vulnerability as a gift of faith that compels them to be as free with you as you have been with them. Taking such a leap shows others that you are strong and secure enough to admit that you are only human and that you need them. In taking down the walls that guard your soul and letting others peer in, you invite intimacy in. When you let your vulnerability show today, you will let others see the real you.
So here is my current truth: I feel like it’s easy to be Zen when it’s just me, my meditative moments and spending time in the safe cocoon of close friends. In the last two weeks, however, I’ve met a couple of men that I found myself attracted to and interested in exploring. It’d been a while since a new one sparked my fancy! In my initial interactions, I’d comfortably, confidently put my Pixie-self out there and had contact of the best bantering kind with both of them.
What happens after that, though, is far from pretty. In the next encounter, live or on-line, I begin to feel that old insecurity creeping in. I wonder “what I did” or “will I do wrong” or if just being me will be “too much for him.” Thanks to Eric and Terry, who worked through this with me last night. We brought out the Byron Katie and did much in the way of “turning it around.” Maybe I’m afraid I’m too much for me? Maybe I’m afraid he’s too much for me? And what would I be if none of that were true? A peaceful, confident, comfortable, open and enthusiastic Urban Pixie. The girl who I like and who was, in the moment of meeting said men, exactly the same girl. Silly circle but oh so enlightening, eh?
So that’s my Saturday experience so far. The real me, in all her incredible awakening experience, still gets upset sometimes and still feels insecure around the cute boy. I’m sure glad I’ve got friends who want to hear those parts, too. They encourage my honesty about it and I’d be nowhere if I weren’t authentic. I’m grateful God knows who I need when the walls come crumbling down. Come on in, intimacy, I am ready. And somewhere out there, is a man who’s thinking the same thing.
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