This week, I stand in awe of our Universe. Several sliding doors & trains-not-taken brought me a magical message that moved me miles ahead. Removing some mystery from my history, this communique came to me in a way more ingenious than I could have ever imagined. I’ll tell you what, as they say down south, I know now there’s no such thing as “an accident.”
I’ve got an acquaintance here in New York who’s come in & out of my life. While we’re practically neighbors, we don’t talk or hang-out anymore which is the way I’ve wanted it. We lost contact when something he did drove me away; We renewed it recently as an elevator opened at just the right time. Full of ebullient energy inside a subway station, I greeted him with open heart & arms, much to his surprise. He asked me to meet him for coffee which I did last weekend & I officially accepted his amended apology.
In the course of the conversation, we swapped stories of lessons learned. We agreed that the central spiritual take-away of all programs, seminars, workshops & writings is essentially the same one of self-love & impeccability in actions towards others. He went on to tell me how what happened to him at 15 with his first love-lost has dictated his behavior in all subsequent sexual relationships. For whatever reason, he’d been encouraged to end it abruptly, deciding by default then & there that he didn’t deserve that kind of love. He’s been “an asshole,” lying & cheating his way through women (present company included) ever since.
Listening to this, something stirred inside. I had to hear him say it just that way to comprehend that I’d done something very similar. Losing my own young love at 16, I pretended it hardly hurt & went on to ensure it never happened again. I spent 20 years of my love-life crumb collecting & enjoying unavailable men of all shapes & sizes.
I came home from coffee on Saturday sick to my stomach & feeling the deep-seated sorrow of the me I used to be. Cried out again for now, sure of what I both deserve & desire, I’m ready to rock the real deal again. I’m amazed at my increased enlightenment in this area & feel blessed that I didn’t shoot my unlikely messenger.
The boy I loved so long ago lives on this same small island now. Perhaps he’ll read this & smile for while. Or maybe, just maybe, I’ll tell him in person all those things I’ve wanted to say. We can’t predict the wonderfully wacky ways of this world. & I, for one, wouldn’t have it any other way.
“When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.” – Khalil Gibran
urbanpixie.wordpress.com 